职业与工作方法improveyoursocialskills.com
基本社交技能指南（2012）
Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)
2019 — 2025，它一次次回到首页
黑点是上首页（≥ 50 分）的那次投稿，空心点是没冲上去的投稿，点越大分数越高。
导读
这是 improveyoursocialskills.com 上的一份基础社交技能指南，旨在帮助读者系统提升日常沟通和人际交往能力。它把社交视为可以学习和练习的技能，而不是天生魅力。
为什么经久不衰：它基础、可操作，击中技术从业者常见的社交盲点；多年后评论区的讨论仍能补充自我接纳、沟通动机等视角，因此今天读来不过时。
HN 评论精选
不要主动给建议；想求助的人会开口，人不是待修复的代码。
尽管你们有些人可能会觉得我给的这些建议有点可笑，但我给高度分析型、总在解决问题的人最重要的一条建议是：不要主动给朋友、家人、熟人甚至陌生人提建议。人们真的想要建议时自己会开口。人不是“等着被修复的代码”。我曾因此失去朋友，直到一位挚友用“听着，我必须告诉你一件非常非常重要的事”的方式向我指出了这一点。
wallflower查看英文原文
While some of you may make light of the fact that I am giving you advice, my single most important piece of advice to people who are highly analytical and/or always solving problems is to not give unsolicited advice to friends, family, acquaintances, or even strangers. People will ask for advice if they really want it. People are not “broken pieces of code” begging to be fixed. I’ve lost friends over this, until one dear friend pointed this out to me in a “look, I have to tell you something really really important” manner.
社交焦虑常是表现焦虑，学会允许自己不够好、接纳自己，比继续堆技能更关键。
另一个视角（我从治疗师那里学到的）：我们可能本来就具备成为出色对话者的能力，只是表现焦虑挡住了它。对我来说，作为读了大量自助材料却收效甚微的人，关键不是学更多技能，而是允许自己显得笨拙、无聊、不酷，并在一天结束时仍然接纳自己。一旦做到这一点，焦虑就消失了，一切也变得容易得多。我觉得这是通往更自然的自信的一条路，虽然可能也可以通过直接练习社交技能到达，但那很痛苦，我也还在努力。不是说这适合所有人，但我认为它对用 A 型人格心态应对社交焦虑的人有帮助。
altonzheng查看英文原文
Another perspective (I learned from a therapist), is that we might already possess the innate ability to be great conversationalist, it's just performance anxiety that gets in the way. So for me, as someone who consumed loads of self-help material without much improvement, it wasn't about learning more skills or anything, it was about giving myself permission to be dumb, boring, lame, and still accepting myself at the end of the day. And once I'm able to do that, there's no more anxiety, and then everything becomes much easier. I feel like this is a path to a more natural sort of confidence, although you might get there by practicing social skills directly too. Very painful though, and I'm still working on this. Not saying this applies to everyone, but I think it's helpful for people who approach their social anxiety with a type-A mentality.
社交技能不应只教友善，也需要教坚定；坚定与攻击性的界线高度依赖语境，关键是合不合适地使用工具达成目标。
为什么社交技能总是只关注积极面？很多程序员往往更像“老好人”，需要学会更坚定/更有攻击性。大家都想区分这两者，但很大程度上取决于旁观者——在我看来，攻击性不过是在被认为不合时宜或做得不够好时的坚定。教官的坚定、警察对峙中的坚定、和同事说话的坚定看起来完全不同，这种区分高度依赖语境且主观。我觉得很多社交能力差的人以为攻击性/坚定性只关乎生气、大喊或粗鲁。坚定是用一系列工具（可能包括更大或更小的声音、显得生气、威胁、操纵等）达成目标；用不合适的方式就是攻击性（比如因小事威胁辞职）。过度使用某个工具（比如大量爆粗而不意识到需要换工具）会被视为无能（或失控），因而被看成攻击性。但根本上没有真正的客观区别。
wisty查看英文原文
Why are social skills always focusing on the positive? A lot of programmers often seem to be more nice guys than anything else, and need to be able to be more assertive / aggressive. Everyone tries to distinguish these two, it's mostly just in the eye of the beholder - IMO aggression is just assertion when it's judged to be inappropriate or incompetently done - a drill instructor being assertive looks different to a police officer in a stand-off which is different to how you talk to co-workers - the distinction is highly contextual and subjective. I think a lot of people with poor social skills thinks the aggression / assertion line is all about being angry or shouty or rude. Assertion uses a bunch of tools (including potentially - a louder or quieter voice, appearing angry, threats, manipulations, etc) to achieve a goal. Doing so in an inappropriate way is seen as aggressive (e.g. threatening to quit over a minor issue). Overusing any given tool (e.g. swearing a lot instead of realising a different tool is needed) is seen as incompetent (or losing control) thus it's seen as aggressive. But fundamentally there's no real objective difference.
沟通的价值在于缩小自己与他人理解之间的差距，从而更好地达成目标并获得支持。
我觉得 Jonathan Blow 最近的演讲[0]从自私的角度谈到了沟通为什么重要，对我们这些“手艺人”/创作者而言。它不必是为了讨好层级更高的人，而是要以尽可能缩小你脑中和对方脑中差异的方式去沟通。这样做，我们更常能得到想要的，并得到更多支持。正如 Jon 也提到的，总有人就是不愿意给你善意推定，但多数情况下，根据你给他们的解释，他们会外推出与你当时脑中所想完全不同的东西。
NegatioN查看英文原文
I feel like Jonathan Blow's most recent talk[0] touches on why communication is important from a selfish perspective, for us as "artisans"/creatives. It's doesn't have to be about pleasing someone higher up in the hierarchy, it's about communicating in such a way that the diff between what's in your mind, and the other person's mind is as small as possible. In doing this, we can more often achieve what we want, and have more support to do so. As Jon also touches on, there will always be people who just aren't interested in giving you the benefit of the doubt, but more often than not, based on the explanations you give them, they extrapolate to something completely different then what's in your mind at the time. 0: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aVb6-Rkz7W4
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